youLOVE: on the second day of Christmas...

On the second day of Christmas my youLOVE gave to me: two freaky gifts.

I have been given 'joke' gifts before - the year my one friend bought everyone she knew a pair of yellow chicken-foot slippers with red toenails was all kinds of awesome - but the ones I find hilarious are the ones that I think I would LOVE to buy for someone but just don't, because they aren't 'practical.' That's my biggest drawback when shopping for gifts - if they aren't practical, I have a hard time buying them. For example:

You know those tacky blankets that you usually see sold in parking lots from a snub-nosed van with naked ladies and a sunset painted on it that could easily double as a means to transport the dead bodies? They're that heavy fuzzy stuff that is dreamy to lie under but has this sort of indelible bow-chicka-bow-wow feeling to them? I'm referring to the ones with designs that include furry wolves, the Dukes of Hazzard flag, Metallica, zebras, and bushels of roses.

So - I saw thee best one EVER. I've walked past it in the mall several times over the past few weeks and WISH I had someone I could give it to who would appreciate it like I do. Imagine, if you will, the original subject: puffy lips that look like she spent quality time seeing what would happen if she used the manual breast pump on her mouth, the chicklet-teeth that look like she should spend less on bleaching and more on getting the vampire fangs filed, the over-applied mascara and eye-liner that has a tarantula-like effect, and whatever is wrong with her underdeveloped blobby nose and plump Cailliou-shaped head. Now imagine, if you will, this caricature of a human being rendered in synthetic fur, using the most offensive shades of pink and yellow known to man. While there are many little girls out there who would innocently squeal with delight to find this cozy blanket under the tree wrapped in gaudy bows with a cheerful tag, "from Santa" I'd frankly start having nightmares. If it was electric and king-sized, I could justify buying at least two. I would go ahead and buy the cuddly Miley Cyrus blanket for my boss, the squash-playing, manly engineer and my sister, the biologist whose min pin has a bigger wardrobe than I do.

The other wish-I-had-someone-to-appreciate-it gift I saw this year while walking through the mall are these vintage-style car photos and reproductions of such classics as the dogs playing poker and the cafe serving up late-night coffees to all the celebrities like Marilyn Monroe and James Dean who died tragically young. What someone has done is turn these otherwise boring and useless gifts from the 80s into something wonderfully and horrendously tacky by strategically poking holes out and embedding LED lights all over them. The headlights of the cars, the wall sconces in the cafe, and the ends of dogs' cigars are all lit up, then framed in acrylic and lightweight plastic softbox splendor. Sure, you could opt for the festive outdoor trees scene with the multi-coloured strings of LED lights glowing in festive beauty, but really, wouldn't the poker dogs be a better choice? Again, though, where i falter is that these are not practical to give as gifts, even as lovely decorations. If only they were clocks, too, then I could easily pick out a few for my dear friends to hang with pride over the beer fridge in the garage...

I'm sure you've all seen these kinds of gifts. The kiosks that magically appear in mall hallways during this festive season are a treasure trove of things for the person who has everything... do share... please, do...