shifting focus

I went out on Monday night to weed my garden one last time for the year. I needed to so I could see what needed pruning, what should be transplanted, what needed thinning, and what to uproot and be done with. As I stood there enjoying the smell of earth and the crisp late-summer air, wincing at the presence of a few freshly yellowed leaves scattering across my lawn, it dawned on me that I had taken inventory of my life in much the same way this spring, figuring out what needed to stay, go, or be modified.

When I felt I was at risk of a bulimic relapse, a large part of my conversation with my counsellor revolved around what was causing me to stress-eat, and it was no secret that I really just had way too much on my plate: work, kids, husband, reno projects, and, of course, all things photography. I seriously felt like my whole life was careening out of control, that I had lost sight of what was important. "Well, what can you give up to make more time for yourself and your family?" she had asked.

WONDERWOMAN was the first person to respond. She said, "Nothing." So, for several more weeks I hung onto everything, for dear life, and took on more, as if to rebel and say, "See? I can handle it all, and THEN some!" - a neat and tidy parallel for what was going on with my physical body. Initially I was in complete denial about the 'obvious' thing to eliminate in order to streamline my life, the 'obvious' thing that would permit me the time and energy to focus on the things that needed the most attention: namely, myself and my family. Emotions ran amok, I debated myself on it fifty times over, I cried and struggled with the decision. I was so torn about how I could give up anything without feeling like I was 'losing' something. And, after reading Aimee Liu's GAINING: The Truth About Life After Eating Disorders, the obvious answer won out.

Effective September 1st, 2008 I am on sabbatical from the photography business indefinitely. (I had been saying I'm semi-retiring, but ~some~ people whose Christine names I won't mention thought it sounded too harsh...) Once I internalized the decision to step back from photography and focussed on paring things down and putting my life back into perspective, things literally fell into place - the renovations on the house were in progress again, I was accepted and am now registered in University, and I managed to find the time and motivation to shed the 35 extra pounds I was packing. And, most exciting of all, in order to help fill the gap (and because I adore her, respect her integrity as an artist, and wanted to keep the proverbial enemy closest) effective September 1st, 2008 the amazingly sweet, energetic, and talented Heather Duperron of PixelPie: the Substance of Life will be commencing as a full apprentice.

Now, this doesn't mean I'm going cold turkey and never taking a picture again (cha - right - like I could do that ~smirk~) but what it does mean is I will only be setting aside one day a month for taking clients, whether that's a wedding, a day of family portraits, or keeping the folks who are locked in for Belly to Birthday packages on schedule. If you are looking to book my services, I encourage you continue to contact me; if, however, I am not available I will endeavor to match you up with one of the apprentices or associated workshop photographers whose personality and style work best with your needs. I will also continue running occasional classes and doing monthly discussion groups.

I still struggle with this decision. I imagine as I haunt the blogs of those who are continuing on with their photography careers without me, I will feel sadness and perhaps even envy. I pout and go through fits of trying to talk myself out of it (I always lose the argument) and  WONDERWOMAN has put up a good fight, too - but she's currently gagged and bound in some musty corner of my brain's basement. The bottom line is, even though I ~could~ continue at this hectic pace, it would be at the expense of a) providing decent service to my clients, and/or b) my health, sanity, and family. So I've streamlined things in order to compromise neither of those things, and despite the scary-looking gaps on my calendar that make it completely evident I have indeed started to shut things down, I am 100% positive of 3 things:

#1) I will miss my clients like oxygen;
#2) I am excited to see whatever change and progress lays ahead;
#3) I am making the right decision for me and my family.

To all my wonderful clients who *might* miss me, too - I like coming to BBQs and birthday parties (and I'd probably bring my camera, as long as you're OK with crappy snapshots and no props or backdrops lol.) To all my wonderful friends who have been so sorely neglected - I'm available for dinner and a movie again, please. To my wonderful husband, Oh, how I've missed us. And to our four beautiful children - Mama's back.