voluntary regression

A few months back I posted about my cusp-of-relapse state of mind. I went to the headshrinker once and my head snapped almost immediately out of my ass. The problem is, I have whiplash from it and have yet to get my headed pointed back in the right direction. At least I'm not fantasizing about a private bathroom anymore.

I don't want you to think I haven't been doing anything. I have. Sort of. I signed up for this program through work and have successfully procrastinated it for a couple of months now what with being busy busy busy between clients and fiscal year end at work and this and that and some other stuff. Despite efforts to the contrary and what seemed like a manageable 'life from a laundry basket' approach, we're not making much headway. I just can't seem to get into a groove that is manageable.

So this program at work starts with this nasty three-hundred-gazillion page questionnaire that is called the 'stress map.' Now, despite the fact I don't feel what I would call 'stressed' (my hair isn't frizzy and I'm not having anxiety attacks and drinking pots and pots of coffee) if it was a pass-fail test, I failed. Big. Time. It says I am so stressed out I probably have shockwaves emanating from my bodily self disrupting the space-time continuum. Out of 21 possible categories, I am in the strain category in 5 and burnout category in 11. The only thing I scored 'optimal' in was being "compassionate" which, really, is just a roundabout way of saying, "Hope's a bleeding heart who can't say no." So I don't know if winning an optimal score in the 'compassion' department was really a 'good' thing.

Case in point: our house guest (pictured above) arrived last night arrived, via my van, using my gas, which I paid for with my money, for someone else's convenience. Did I have other stuff to do? Yes. Was the other stuff more important? Definitely yes. Am I further behind now because I did this 'little favour'? Yes. Will it cause me 'stress' now? Yes. Absolutely yes, yes, yes, and yes. I could have said no. But her dog died on Saturday. How could I possibly have said no? (For all the smart asses who feel the urge to give me instructions, shh.)

After finishing the stress map, the first thing we're supposed to do on this 12-week program is identify one thing that we'd like to improve on. It says not to pick anything in the 'strain' or 'burnout' categories but I really didn't have much choice on this one. So, I identified 'time management' as something I'd like to improve on because I always feel like I'm on the go go go go go and never have time for me and my family. Then it asks you to identify one manageable task or action that you can do towards improving it, and doing it for 21 days. (The workbook says anything you do for 21 days consecutively is a new habit and can erase whatever bad habit you are trying to replace... Work with me here - I didn't write the program...)

There's one quote from what I presume is someone who succeeded in the program, about 8 pages into the instruction booklet, that says something like, "It only takes changing one thing to put the spiral out of orbit." I went to bed knowing that 'time management' was a huge problem for me. And yes, I've always known I'm the one everyone can count on to pull through in a pinch. And yes, I am aware that my not wanting to say no is very deeply rooted in a twisted psychological guilt and fear soup that includes all the juvenile classics like, "People will be disappointed, people won't like me anymore, people will think I'm lazy..." and so on. However, it's never actually dawned on me to actually try it out before. No. Hmmm... I woke up hearing no in my head but unable to form the word with my lips and utter that tiny syllable when my son got me out of bed early to photograph the kitten. (YES, I'll post the full set later...)

I haven't done all my laundry baskets yet, because my time is too taxed. My time is too taxed because I never say no. Clutter clutter everywhere - my calendar, my house, my desk at work, my back yard, even my GARDEN - and I think a lot of it is rooted in not being able to say one of the first words we learn: NO. So, I'm going to spend the next 21 days practising how to be the best 2-year old I can, and say NO to a lot of things. I'll start with saying NO to the obvious time-taxing things. Here are some typical questions I will say no to:

"Can you squeeze me in?"

"Can you do me a solid?"

"Can you pick up this kitten and babysit it overnight for me?"

I'm also going to start saying NO to myself, and NO to my husband who, God love him, enables me because every day he goes to the store he says, "Do you want anything from the store?" I realize he is simply being considerate, but of course, habit is that (to be social and so he won't feel rejected) I will say YES to a snack, YES to sharing a bottle of wine, YES to whatever it is he's bringing back, which 9 times out of 10 is something I don't really want or need, that I will feel guilty or mad at myself for after the fact, and that I will be resigned to follow through with once it's already in the house and paid for whether that's eating chocolate covered almonds, smoking, or having a couple of coolers (all things which not only are bad for my health but nickel and dime my time and bank account away - seeing the connection here?) It's not his fault. It's mine. But something as simple as him saying, "I'm heading to the store," so I have to actually ASK him to get me ~insert bad thing here~ instead of having it offered would make such a HUGE impact. He already knows I'm messed up, so I'm hoping he'll at least humour me. (Actually, he'll laugh at me - he's offered to be my secretary in the past: he's just going to answer the phone, say, "NO," and hang up. Have I ever mentioned how much I love my husband? He's pretty clever.)

The saying goes something like, a cluttered home is the sign of a cluttered mind. Well, my entire life is clutter. I'm voluntarily regressing and adopting Nancy Reagan's famous saying as my personal mantra for the next 21 days: "Just say NO."