into focus

It's not really surprising that life comes into crisp focus when reality is shattered by something like the death of a dear loved one, or worse, a loved one is facing imminent death. In my Gramma's case, it was expected, and considering her physical decline in the past several months, a relief - no one needs to live a life devoid of dignity - I assure you seeing my Gramma without her hair set, a coordinated outfit, and her teeth in, sitting by her window and filing her nails to perfection, would have been nothing shy of traumatic for her.

I went to a wedding reception tonight, for a little girl, the older of two sisters I spent a lot of time caring for, who were once the centre of my universe. When the Orange Fairy and I parted ways almost 2 decades ago, the mother of these two girls, Debbie, gave me he one thing I wanted from my Mamasan that she was unable to give me: trust. Debbie had faith in me, for whatever unknown reason, and gave me responsibility that I am sure without would have put me in a very different place than I am today. Every fibre in my being said I should be at home processing pictures and sorting photos from the Relay; I knew somehow that I actually needed to be at that reception. My girls are all grown up and beautiful and I'm so happy I was able to see them.

I got home just a few minutes ago, to find in my inbox an email from another dear friend, Mrs. PQRS, who has I am sure at least 99 lives. Despite being accustomed to her having near-death experiences (she's one of the reasons I relay) it never stops scaring the ever-loving snot out of me when her health takes a turn for the worse - I am always chastising her about her 'hospital holidays' but in truth I am terrified for her, and her husband, and their 9 children (6 are hers and 3 are her husband's.) She's on the waitlist for a second heart transplant and is slated to go in for surgery for a pacemaker to tide her over until (not if - until) a donor becomes available. Of course, wishing for a new heart is a morbid thought as it means one must ultimately hope for the untimely death of a suitable donor.

I've been making efforts for several months to find balance in my life. As it stands, I am far too busy to be available to my friends and family. This is changing, slowly but surely, and I am beginning to see with crystal clarity the need for a better means of prioritizing my life, and putting family and friends above the busy-ness I always manage to create for myself. I prayed last week, and asked others to pray, for the painless and safe delivery of my Grandmother to the arms of her Maker; for the next several days I will be spending my time praying for my friend's recovery from surgery, and that God somehow sees fit to find a donor for her. Please feel free to add Mrs. PQRS to your prayer list.