can of worms: you're special just like everybody else
These excerpted words aren't mine, but the sentiment echoes what I've been saying my entire adult life. I especially love the bluntness of the whole, "You're ALL special, EACH and EVERY one of you," part. Brilliant. The dude's a songwriter, not an essayist, so I'll try and not be too harsh about the whirlpool style (going around in circles for quite a long time before finally getting to the proverbial flush) of writing...
"...This is about us all. This is about a level of self consciousness so high in my generation, that it's actually toxic. This is about the girl in her bedroom who poses in front of the camera she's awkwardly holding in her outstretched hand. She'll take a hundred photos until coming up with one she's happy with, which inevitably looks nothing like her, and after she's done poring over images of herself, will post one on her myspace page and then write something like " I don't give a f*ck what you think about me."
This is about the person trying out for American Idol, who while going off about how confident they are that they were born ready to sing in front of the world, are trembling so badly they can hardly breathe.
This is about me, the guy who walks through a throng of photographers into a restaurant like he's Paul Newman, but who leaves a "reject" pile of clothes in his closet so high that his cleaning lady can't figure out how one man can step into so many pairs of pants in a week.
This is about us all. Every one of us. Who all seem to know deep down that it's incredibly hard to be alive and interact with the world around us but will try and cover it up at any cost. For as badass and unaffected as we try to come off, we're all just one sentence away from being brought to the edge of tears, if only it was worded right. And I don't want to act immune to that anymore. I took the biggest detour from myself over the past year, since I decided that I wasn't going to care about what people thought about me. I got to the point where I had so much padding on that, sure, I couldn't feel the negativity, but that's because I couldn't feel much of anything. And I think I'm done with that.
I'm not the first person to admit we're all self conscious, Kanye was. But what I want to do is to shed a little light on why we're all in the same boat, no matter the shape of the life we lead: because every one of us were told since birth that we were special. We were spoken to by name through a television. We were promised we could be anything that we wanted to be, if only we believed it and then, faster than we saw coming, we were set loose into the world to shake hands with the millions of other people who were told the exact same thing.
And really? Really? It turns out we're just not all that special, when you break it down. Beautifully unspectacular, actually. And that truth is going to catch up with us whether we want to run from it or not. The paparazzo following me to the gym ain't gonna be Herb Ritts and the guy he's following ain't gonna be Bob Dylan. It's just a matter of how old you are once you embrace that fact.
And for me, 30 sounds about right. What now, then? I can only really say for myself: Enjoy who I am, the talents and the liabilities. Stop acting careless. In fact, care more. Be vulnerable but stay away from where it hurts. Read. See more shows. Of any kind. Rock shows, art shows, boat shows. Create more art. Wear hoodies to dinner. Carry a notebook and hand it to people when they passionately recommend something and ask them to write it down for me. Root for others. Give more and expect the same in return, but over time.
Act nervous when I'm nervous, puzzled when I don't know what the hell to do, and smile when it all goes my way. And never in any other order than that. And when it's all over, whether at the end of this fabulous career or of this life, which I hope takes place at the same time, I should look back and say that I had it good and I made the most of it while I was able. And so should you.
I'm going quiet now.
John"
And yet, as a parent, wouldn't I be remiss if I were to deny my children all the unconditional bum pats and ego fluffing I can muster? What of it as an adult, then? Am I not still special? Don't I deserve unconditional bum pats and ego fluffing every now and again? Or shouold I develop humility in my children, so that they may have humility as adults?
"...This is about us all. This is about a level of self consciousness so high in my generation, that it's actually toxic. This is about the girl in her bedroom who poses in front of the camera she's awkwardly holding in her outstretched hand. She'll take a hundred photos until coming up with one she's happy with, which inevitably looks nothing like her, and after she's done poring over images of herself, will post one on her myspace page and then write something like " I don't give a f*ck what you think about me."
This is about the person trying out for American Idol, who while going off about how confident they are that they were born ready to sing in front of the world, are trembling so badly they can hardly breathe.
This is about me, the guy who walks through a throng of photographers into a restaurant like he's Paul Newman, but who leaves a "reject" pile of clothes in his closet so high that his cleaning lady can't figure out how one man can step into so many pairs of pants in a week.
This is about us all. Every one of us. Who all seem to know deep down that it's incredibly hard to be alive and interact with the world around us but will try and cover it up at any cost. For as badass and unaffected as we try to come off, we're all just one sentence away from being brought to the edge of tears, if only it was worded right. And I don't want to act immune to that anymore. I took the biggest detour from myself over the past year, since I decided that I wasn't going to care about what people thought about me. I got to the point where I had so much padding on that, sure, I couldn't feel the negativity, but that's because I couldn't feel much of anything. And I think I'm done with that.
I'm not the first person to admit we're all self conscious, Kanye was. But what I want to do is to shed a little light on why we're all in the same boat, no matter the shape of the life we lead: because every one of us were told since birth that we were special. We were spoken to by name through a television. We were promised we could be anything that we wanted to be, if only we believed it and then, faster than we saw coming, we were set loose into the world to shake hands with the millions of other people who were told the exact same thing.
And really? Really? It turns out we're just not all that special, when you break it down. Beautifully unspectacular, actually. And that truth is going to catch up with us whether we want to run from it or not. The paparazzo following me to the gym ain't gonna be Herb Ritts and the guy he's following ain't gonna be Bob Dylan. It's just a matter of how old you are once you embrace that fact.
And for me, 30 sounds about right. What now, then? I can only really say for myself: Enjoy who I am, the talents and the liabilities. Stop acting careless. In fact, care more. Be vulnerable but stay away from where it hurts. Read. See more shows. Of any kind. Rock shows, art shows, boat shows. Create more art. Wear hoodies to dinner. Carry a notebook and hand it to people when they passionately recommend something and ask them to write it down for me. Root for others. Give more and expect the same in return, but over time.
Act nervous when I'm nervous, puzzled when I don't know what the hell to do, and smile when it all goes my way. And never in any other order than that. And when it's all over, whether at the end of this fabulous career or of this life, which I hope takes place at the same time, I should look back and say that I had it good and I made the most of it while I was able. And so should you.
I'm going quiet now.
John"
And yet, as a parent, wouldn't I be remiss if I were to deny my children all the unconditional bum pats and ego fluffing I can muster? What of it as an adult, then? Am I not still special? Don't I deserve unconditional bum pats and ego fluffing every now and again? Or shouold I develop humility in my children, so that they may have humility as adults?
If you research this particular blog entry, you'll find a number of individuals have felt personally attacked by it. They've completely missed the point. I'm just hoping that the people who do 'get' the message find it encouraging (and humbling) - it's a blessing that someone more special than me has finally pointed these things out... ~smirk~
Comments
Of course when these kids grow up and discover that they're special just like everyone else, they heap that much more pressure on themselves to become something they're not, which is always a recipe for disaster. If I had a nickel for every time I heard a plastic surgery junkie say, "This is like therapy..." I'd be a millionaire. Which of course isn't dealing with the underlying esteem issues, the self-consciousness that we ALL suffer. And it feeds the beast - you can finance your beauty now for "as little as $99 down and $99 a month." Again, WTF?
Should I go into 'reality' shows? How about The Biggest Loser? How about Extreme Makeover? And the more insidious shows like "anyone can be ~insert glamourous job here~ " which sell the idea that fame, success, and acceptance are only a plane tcket to an audition away. Like handing lotto tickets to a gambler or open liquor bottles to an alcoholic.
Parents are the only buffer. Young girls and boys are being brought up with a warped sense of reality. Big dreams no longer involve simply succeeding at the ever elusive 'happiness' but some complex and outrageous scheme to be the next top something-or-other. And instead of teaching our kids otherwise, the parents (who have already hit the proverbial '30' John Mayer is referring to) sit there so engrossed in these shows that they don't even realize the message they send to their kids or worse, are too engrossed to even notice that Betty is in the bathroom puking and Barney is in the bathroom shooting up 'roids.
Although compliments are really nice, and validation of effort is splendid, and no one hates to hear someone say, "I like what you're doing," I also don't think that in general we're raising our kids to be self-sufficient enough to survive without those empty pats on the bum. They feel entitled, and jilted when their dreams don't pan out the way they expected, and when that reality hits with their esteem on shaky ground to begin with they begin a long painful descent into self-destruction. I don't think we realize the incredible pressure we've put our kids under by providing them with shit for role models.
We've made 'modesty' and 'humility' bad words and instead replaced them with 'flamboyance' and 'arrogance' and while the term 'work ethic' takes a nosedive into obscurity, our kids are buying into it lock stock and barrel.
The hypocrisy of it all runs rampant, too. Beauty Pageant Moms who sit and eat McDonald's while yelling at their daughters to spin the baton higher and don't touch the fries... the hockey Dad who goes and punches out the coach for giving their son five for fighting... Or the parents who like to change the rules for their kids but not themselves - women with bob jobs who swear they'd never let their daughters out in public dressed like they dress... spelling bees, talent contests, sports, you name it... Ugh! Shit, these people don't even teach their ids good sportsmanship anymore! When someone else wins, they're all sour grapes, blaming the judges, the weather, their parents... *Maybe* just MAYBE there is someone who beat you fair and square, so maybe it's time for a handshake and a congrats...
I hope to teach my children humility and modesty, to have a a work ethic rooted so deeply in their core that they can't even think of cheating or stabbing someone in the back without breaking out in hives, that brains always prevail over beauty and strength, and that should they develop a special talent, that it is just that: a special talent, a gift, something to enjoy and share but not a ticket to freedom from moral responsibilities any more than a lack of something 'special' is an excuse for having low self-esteem.
Gawd. Pisses me off.
I love making my kids feel good about themselves, but I also work hard to instill in them that it's more important to make others feel good about themselves first. Give the best to your guest, take the "broken" toy in the bunch, and always help out your friends.
When you learn something new and it can help someone else out, share the knowledge! Your heart will sing!
I'll stop being corny now....
I think that for parents who know better, they do better. There are many parents out there that are really trying hard to build up their child’s esteem and self-worth because they know how difficult life can be, even at a very young age (hence, the agreement with your first sentence). They pass out those so-called empty pats of “you’re the most beautiful/special/talented etc” and “good job” every few seconds because that’s what the mom magazines and shows say to do. Build them up! So the kid thinks they are fantastic until they step in school and someone else does a better job than they do. But sometimes the parent doesn’t realize that perhaps instilling some coping mechanisms might be a tad more useful when something doesn’t go their way. How to deal with hurt, anger, frustration, loneliness, sadness, disappointment. Even how to deal with happiness.
Another side of my disagreement is that some parents really believe in their sentiments and hand them out appropriately, doing what they know to instill a healthy self-worth. I may be optimistic but I know a lot of parents who believe in what they are doing and are trying hard to combat the media. In fact, it is my belief that for every child that is being raised with a “warped sense of reality” there is another being raised with good ethics and value. Those children will be reared up knowing they are special in their own way and be encouraged towards self-discovery equaling self-satisfaction, pride, accomplishment, and a sense of happy (which can mean many different things for different folks). Those children will then look around their world wondering what happened to the rest of society, ban together, buy-out the FOX network, and blog about it later.
You say it yourself that “I hope to teach my children humility and modesty” so it proves my point that there are parents out there being the appropriate buffer to the otherwise sadist society. So some parents are handing out the empty pats not realizing what they’re doing, others are doing it because they think they’ll make a dollar or two off their child, and yet others are doing what you are doing, enriching your children with the knowledge of being a good human being. There is honor in that.
If you note, I said, "Empty," pats on the bum. We've been told time and again to tell our kids that they are doing a good job, even when they aren't. There is nothing wrong with encouraging your kids. "Good try!" There is nothing wrong with enertaining options - gymnastics, swimming, singing... There IS something wrong with filling our kids' heads with the useless chatter psychologists have been feeding us about fluffing up egos and our kids are no longer able to handle constructive criticism. Fluffed egos are deflatable. "For as badass and unaffected as we try to come off, we're all just one sentence away from being brought to the edge of tears, if only it was worded right."
Whether we actually tell our kids something that is false: "Yes! That looks EXACTLY like Santa in drag with Sarah Silverman, doing the can can with 17 kittens and a fishstick!" or the school system passes them up a grade when they have NOT accomplished the standard for that grade level, the message is the same: you are OK. When they hit 'reality' (I work at the University - I see the crash LOTS) and discover they are not "OK" (or 'special' as John Mayer has put it) what then? Find another way to make a million bucks, drive a cooler car, snort some coke, get a boob job, and it'll all be better...
Yes, there are LOTS of us out there trying like the dickens to keep the record straight, who would rather instruct or guide our children than let them believe they have accomplished something when they have not. Embracing our weaknesses as well as our strengths and allowing ourselves to be the fragile humans we are, full of all kinds of weird and wonderful, is something few of us are willing or capable of doing for ourselves let alone our kids. We're all hypocrites, because we don't want our children to make the same mistakes or face the same hardships WE did, but quite often, aren't those the mistakes that have made us wiser and stronger?
I'm a taoist. There is a very deep-seated need for balance and harmony. Many disagree, but on Planet Hope, you must feel sadness to understand joy, you must feel pain to understand pleasure, you must suffer failure in order to enjoy success, and so on. Kids raised on a steady diet of being 'successful' never know what it's like to have to try again and try harder. They only know how to give up and seek a band-aid: Make another million bucks, drive a cooler car, snort some coke, get a boob job, and it'll all be better...
These kids, these 'for every child' kids you speak of, share classrooms with my kids. They share a community and a city and a country and a continent and a planet. And if you think for a single second your own children are magically immune to the pressures and influence of their peers, think again. It's like an uphill battle every day deprogramming the shit the kids come home with. It almost makes me want to go live in a commune. I totally understand homeschooling, but even that can breed a whole other kind of ignorance.
I don't know what the right answer is. All any of us can do is keep trying, keep working to teach our children to be the best they can, even if they are better than no one, and love them and celebrate them, as hard as we possibly can, for NOT being like everyone else, since everyone else is, apparently, perfect.
I’ve worked with many children in schools and it is very interesting and sometimes sad to see what comes out of their mouths. I really think that its not so much a build up of ego’s but in reference to what J.M. said: “but will try and cover it up at any cost” it shows a real lack of coping skills. I have dealt with many types of people in my life. I was always moving from place to place; being the new kid. I learned quite early on how to deal with uncomfortable, difficult and fearful situations, environments, and people. If you don’t know how to cope, you don’t know how to relate and you begin to hide your insecurities and vulnerability behind whatever tangible item you can think of. A million bucks, drive a cooler car, snort some coke, get a boob job. Sometimes it comes later on in life but if your parent(s) have the same lack of coping mechanisms it transfers and you just might get that new Nintendo Wii, the Tommy H clothes, a brand new car for your 16th, or the liposuction for your 8th birthday.
Life throws so many hiccups, burps and farts at you and it all takes preparation. One time in life, all you had to be good at was one or two things but now it seems you need to be proficient in everything. A hairstylists so your hair is always looking its best, a makeup artist, a fitness expert so your fit as a fiddle, a fashion icon, a 5-star chef so your kids will always eat healthy, have a high-paying career, a computer technician, an accountant so you can always pay your bills and do your taxes on time. Whatever it is you do in life, someone can do it better. The illogic is that there is an assumption that EVERYone can do it too. It’s crazy the demands on a person and if you can’t cope, you begin to cover up. It’s when you know that whatever comes your way, you know that somewhere and somehow you’ll find a way to deal with it, a way to sort through it, a way to be okay. It’s then that you find a balance in life.
Semantics.
I just had a discussion the other day about wether I would want my kids to have straight A's and be in the top of their class, or know how to be self sufficent when they left the house.
I would much rather they know how to cook and clean, wash clothes, and make a bed, and do the best that they could in school.
Oh and I don't know if I should take offense to all of the refrences to boob jobs???
Since you used boobs, I'll use boobs, though this could be anything from anorexia to pounding steroids to taking drugs to getting rich...
The Disclaimer: There is such a thing as responsible plastic surgery. I know a few women who have had boob jobs, present company included (though I went smaller and not bigger) who have seen benefit from plastic surgery. I suppose if I had been born with a big bump on my nose or exceptionally small or misshapen breasts, I ~can~ see there being some benefit. Plastic surgery itself isn't an evil thing - it's the way that it is marketed to people, directly and indirectly, that makes it so evil. Women are being sold, "If you have bigger boobs your whole life will be perfect," instead of, "If you have bigger boobs, your whole life will be exactly the same, except you'll have bigger boobs." The mentality of these young kids is that the boobs will fix their insecurities. And ultimately, once you remove all the insecurities and their band-aid fixes - cars, money, fame, whatever - at the end of it all, we're all after the same thing: happiness.
I have a different approach and it has served me VERY well. It goes like this: be happy FIRST. If you're happy, if you confront your demons, if you learn to accept yourself and your reality in all it's imperfection, you canbe happy no matter what. When you attach your happiness to something - a husband, a job, fame, wealth, boobs, etc. - then you prevent yourself from ever acheiving happiness. And once that temporary high of happiness from getting a boob job done wears off, guess what? You are STILL the same person with the same insecurities. This is the basis of addictions - we self-medicate with food, drugs, alcohol, gamling, surgery, WHATEVER - and when it's all said and done, we can't figure out why that happiness isn't permanent. It's because we haven't learned how to be happy first. When you are happy first, you live in a perpetual state of wonder at how fortunate you are. Everything is a gift, and the value of those gifts is magnified when they are present, and when those gifts are lost or displaced - you lose a job, you get a divorce, you gain weight, whatever - if you have been taught the right coping mechanisms you are able to STILL find happiness. If you cannot find and maintain happiness, then you have a ~clinical mental health problem~ which requires treatment through therapy and/or medication.
Frankly, I think more people need therapy than plastic surgery.
I can see that my oldest has learned this from me, and I really hope that I can unteach him. Then again the other 2 seem happy just being themselves. F really is a people pleaser, and a follower. I don't know if that is nurture or nature??
I try really hard to tell my kids how good they are, but without all the smoke and mirrors. And when they do something I don't approve of it is never swept under the carpet. I really hope that they don't go looking for that "something" all their lives to make them happy. All it makes is for a long list of stuff that DOESN'T make you happy
So much of it is because most parents do not discipline their kids for fear of hurting their feelings or making them feel unloved .What a crock of S**t that is.Kids need discipline to feel loved.
When I was teaching, you disciplined a child if they got out of hand. Now, You can't because the parent doesn't think it is right.They live in some dream world that says' MY child would never do that". Guess what- Yes he(she) would because they have not been taught any better.
And when they are adults and called to account, they have no way to cope with a failing grade or being told work is not up to snuff.
Parents need to be parents again. Children need to be children with all life's ups and downs, acceptance and rejection,good and bad experiences, hurt feelings and good feelings. Life in balance.
As adults we need the pats when a job is well done and we need to know when it is not.