hi, my name is Hope...

... and I have an eating disorder.

For 21 years I have struggled with a sorely misunderstood disease called 'bulimia' and in the past few months the demon has reared its ugly head in a big bad ugly way. Eating disorders are like alcoholism in that you are never 'cured' you only ever learn to cope with it, and are apt to fall off the proverbial wagon at any time, at any age. Once the disease takes hold, it is a life long battle.

As I sit here with a stomach full of food, I don't feel gratified or just 'not hungry' - I feel weak and powerless. I am consumed with overwhelming guilt and shame. The downward spiral has been fast this time - the rapid descent into this pit of darkness has taken me by surprise and I'm not quite sure how to get my sh*t together this time, as the pattern is 'off.' Had this happened right after my father's death, had there been some major family fallout, had there been some major upset or stress at work, I might have a clue where and how this began, but I am clueless. For the past 13 years I have successful pinpointing the trigger for the thought pattern and have been able to pull myself out of it. This time, I can't identify the trigger and so I've been in denial about it.

For the record, I would not be considered 'active' as the pattern of physical behaviours has yet to follow the mental roller coaster, but it isn't far off, and I'm not sure I'm able to control it on my own and move past it this time. It becomes completely compulsive. It's been 13 years since I was last considered 'active.' Where I am right now, it takes every ounce of willpower in my body to not hit the toilet. I feel weak and stupid and embarrassed. I feel like a monster. I feel like a bad parent, wife, daughter, and friend. I feel like a fraud.

Yup, some of you are grossed out now. Some of you are wondering what kind of head case I am. Some of you probably think this is juvenile. Some of you might think I am toxic to be around. Some of you may have just lost respect for me (it happens - we're treated like pariahs all the time, which is of course what makes it so tough to come out about it.) There is all kinds of stigma attached to having an eating disorder, stigma usually attached to people you'd expect it from - gawky teenage girls, famous people trying to be skinny, etc. Not happily married people with great careers and lots of friends.

News Flash: Eating disorders aren't only for kids and models, folks - there are thousands of us, every day, of all ages and sizes, walking amoungst you, who battle with the inner-speak only familiar to those of us who have walked this road before. We hide in shame. We are the walking invisible. We go through intense bouts of self-loathing. We carry a huge burden with us, and will go to great lengths to hide it from everyone.

This is what I hear in my head:

"Hunger feels good."
"Eating shows weakness."
"I am a gross pig."
"I am unworthy."
"I am unlovable."
"I am lazy."
"I am out of control."

Eating disorders are not about feeling fat. They are about feeling powerless. They are about control. One of the only things I find gratifying is working as a photographer - it is about the only time I feel confident in myself and my abilities, which is why it's so addictive for me. It keeps my busy, it keeps me from being inactie and feeling like I am being lazy, and it gives me a shot of endorphines without hitting the fridge. On the flip side, I use my camera as a physical shield in my personal life, especially in social situations; it is a barrier that keeps me one step away from everyone and everything. It allows me to physically and emotionally stay slightly detached, hidden in full view on the periphery. I take pictures of my family gatherings instead of participate in my own life.

I do not socialize anymore because I am afraid of having to eat in social situations. I prefer gatherings where there is no threat of food, or where it is acceptable to decline food. I do not like going grocery shopping and eating meal with my own family is torture. The more I try to hide it and cope with it alone, the more I am withdrawing. I don't even like my own children and husband to touch me anymore. I see friends who have lost weight. I see people who have had babies who are back to their pre-pregnancy weight. I envy them all, and feel more and more ashamed. And so the downward spiral continues.

I am not seeking sympathy. I am not looking for words of pity or encouragement. I am outing myself as part of the process of 'getting over myself' (thanks K) and will seek the help I need. The stupid part in all this is that I am AWARE. Keenly. I'm not stupid, and I've been here before, which is why it's so hard to accept it and deal with it. Add to the above list, "I am too old and too smart for his sh*t." I go between laughing at myself and hating myself. Because I AM too old and too smart for this sh*t. Reading this, you may well be wondering, "Why am I back here again?" Same question I have been asking myself for he last 5 months. I am ready for the cycle to end.

My Dr. asked me to get my blood tested for thyroid issues because of a rather lengthy list of symptoms I described to her last fall. My initial response was, as usual, there is nothing wrong with me, and I don't want medical intervention. However, the other day I looked up the symptoms again and it's a pretty accurate rap sheet. I wonder how much an inactive or 'lazy' thyroid could exacerbate an eating disorder, especially one that boasts symptoms like unexplained weight gain or inability to lose weight, and perpetual exhaustion. (Not many people who know me would use the word 'lazy' to describe me and yet I am constantly ready for a nap - VERY unlike me...)

I recently found out my Mom was diagnosed as borderline and it's considered a genetic thing, so maybe my Dr was onto something. Stupid Drs. Why do they have to be so Dr-ish. So Step 1 is making an appointment to a) get my bloodwork done, and b) to get a referral to a counsellor in the ED clinic. If there's anyone else who reads this who is suffering the same feelings, get your butt to the Dr., too.

Comments

fmartell2 said…
I am not giving you sympathy or encouragment, but understanding. I don't have an ED, but I do have a mental illness. Telling those around me lately has made me quit pretending that I am fine. That I don't need help, or that it will pass. I know why you told us, for the same reasons that I have told you what is going on with me.
I am PROUD of you for stepping up and taking ownership of this, and seeking help.
If you EVER feel like talking more about this.... you got my number!
Tanya said…
Good for you for recognizing your demon rearing it's ugly head. I know you don't want any words of encouragement but I need to say I think you are a pretty amazing person, beautiful inside and out, and I believe you do have the strength to get through this.
Lynda said…
Wow. I admire your courage to speak out about your ED. Good for you and please let me know how it works out at the Dr.
Laura Jane said…
I think it's great you have a plan for right now. I hope some answers come your way as far as the trigger or why, but sometimes stuff like this just sneaks up on us, catches us off guard and it sucks. There is never a good time, even if there is a reason. It may be a viscious cycle, but it seems you are aware of the process which can be a good thing.
Thanks for blogging it, I think it does help with others stuggles. I don't have an ED, but I have struggled with weight, and having a daughter who I'm guessing will have the same feelings, it doesn't sit easy. Ever see the dove commercial called Onslaught? I think it's great.

Anyway... please keep us updated.

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