"F" is for "FORGIVENESS"

I've been in some pretty dark places in my life, and writing has always provided a great source of release and an excellent tool for gaining insight and clarity on what's going on inside my own head. I wrote this about 10 years ago now, just as I was coming out of my tumultuous and very unhealthy first marriage and started remembering and rediscovering where I had been and where I wanted to go. It started out as a journal exercise on how to start forgiving the X, and, more importantly, myself.

This dictionary was my compass. This dictionary is my compass.

Semantics:

Pronunciation: si-'man-tiks

Function: noun plural but singular or plural in construction
1 : the study of meanings: a : the historical and psychological study and the classification of changes in the signification of words or forms viewed as factors in linguistic development b (1) : semiotic - a general philosophical theory of signs and symbols that deals especially with their function in both artificially constructed and natural languages and comprises syntactics, semantics, and pragmatics (2) : a branch of semiotic dealing with the relations between signs and what they refer to and including theories of denotation, extension, naming, and truth
2 : general semantics - a doctrine and educational discipline intended to improve habits of response of human beings to their environment and one another especially by training in the more critical use of words and other symbols
3 a : the meaning or relationship of meanings of a sign or set of signs; especially : connotative meaning b : the language used (as in advertising or political propaganda) to achieve a desired effect on an audience especially through the use of words with novel or dual meanings

Accountability to Zen:

The Personal Dictionary of a Self-Professed Semantics Warrior

When I say: Accountability

Pronunciation: &-"kaun-t&-'bi-l&-tE
Function: noun
: the quality or state of being accountable; especially : an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions

I mean: Don't let someone else TAKE your power, and for crying out loud, don't GIVE it away! Own it, dammit. I hurt someone? Own it. I let someone hurt me? You think I hurt you? Own it. Like it's bought and paid for. Being accountable means I get rid of my tendency to be a victim or a martyr. No more blame game, no more poor me, no more climbing atop a moral high horse and believing it's my personal responsibility to make excuses for the actions of others. I demand accountability from myself, my kids, and my friends.

When I say: Benevolence

Pronunciation: b&-'nev-l&n(t)s, -'ne-v&-
Function: noun
1 : disposition to do good
2 a : an act of kindness b : a generous gift

I mean: in every act I commit myself to doing, I do it with benevolence, not an intention to martyr or victimize myself or anyone else. I never act to inflict or alleviate guilt. I donate time and money and energy for pleasure not pride.

When I say: Clarity

Pronunciation: 'klar-&-tE
Function: noun
: the quality or state of being clear

I mean: Ambiguity sucks. I mean what I say, say what I mean, and if I don't know what someone else means, I ASK. Assumption is, as far as I am concerned, synonymous with "I don't know" and if I don't have the balls to ask you, then everyone loses. Clarity of intention, belief, and action are invaluable.

When I say: Demonstrate

Pronunciation: 'de-m&n-"strAt
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): -strat·ed; -strat·ing
1 : to show clearly
2 a : to prove or make clear by reasoning or evidence b : to illustrate and explain especially with many examples
3 : to show or prove the value or efficiency of to a prospective buyer

I mean: live it. If I am going to talk the talk, I better be able to walk the walk. I use my kids as a measuring stick, and however I'd want them to act or react to any given situation, to any given set of circumstances, I demonstrate rather than preach it.

When I say: Empathy

Pronunciation: 'em-p&-thE
Function: noun
1 : the imaginative projection of a subjective state into an object so that the object appears to be infused with it
2 : the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner; also : the capacity for this

I mean: Pity is arrogance - being sympathetic doesn't mean a damned thing except I feel sorry for someone, which means I must somehow feel I am superior or are above them, and what good is that? Empathy brings understanding and therefore compassion.

When I say: Forgiveness

Pronunciation: f&r-'giv, for-
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): for·gave/-'gAv/; for·giv·en/-'gi-v&n/; -giv·ing
1 a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for b : to grant relief from payment of
2 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardon
intransitive senses : to grant forgiveness

I mean: Get over it. I take my time when I need, but I get over it. Hanging onto it serves no other purpose than to still corrupt my life. The trickle-down effect taints everything I do, every day, for the rest of my life. I forgive myself for my own errors, forgive others for theirs; if the act is unforgivable, of course penance should and will be paid, but so long as I carry it with me, the burden will always be mine. I may be a jackass sometimes, but I am not a beast of burden.

When I say: Gratitude

Pronunciation: 'gra-t&-"tüd, -"tyüd
Function: noun
: the state of being grateful
1 a : appreciative of benefits received b : expressing gratitude
2 a : affording pleasure or contentment : pleasing b : pleasing by reason of comfort supplied or discomfort alleviated

I mean: Be thankful. When I remember all the little things that I love about my life, the things that make me miserable dissipate. When my car/air conditioning/computer breaks down, I remember I HAVE them to break down. Hubby left the lid up and the cat shit on the neighbor's lawn? Hubby came home to pee, and the cat didn't shit on MY lawn. Gratitude decides how I react when my kids write on the wall with permanent marker and it reads, "I love you, Mom."

When I say: Humility

Pronunciation: hyü-'mi-l&-tE, yü-
Function: noun
: the quality or state of being humble
Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): hum·bler/-b(&-)l&r/; hum·blest/-b(&-)l&st/
1 : not proud or haughty : not arrogant or assertive
2 : reflecting, expressing, or offered in a spirit of deference or submission
3 a : ranking low in a hierarchy or scale : unpretentious b : not costly or luxurious

I mean: humility is when I can look around me and feeling incredibly small and unimportant isn't scary or degrading or humiliating because everything and everyone around me are just so wonderful. It's the ability to let go of envy and insecurity and just be in awe of others, like I am of so many of you.

When I say: Integrity

Pronunciation: in-'te-gr&-tE
Function: noun
1 : firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values : incorruptibility 2 : an unimpaired condition : soundness
3 : the quality or state of being complete or undivided : completeness
synonym see HONESTY

I mean: Integrity for me is like having a set of kids' building blocks instead of a spine. When I am acting out of integrity with myself, the blocks don't line up properly and I always feel like I am about to topple over. Integrity encompasses every other word on this page, and if I violate my own personal code of conduct I find I am physically incapable of standing erect until I set it straight. My favourite thing to do when someone is comfortable wallowing in their own shit is call their integrity into question.

When I say: Justice

Pronunciation: 'j&s-t&s
Function: noun
1 a : the maintenance or administration of what is just especially by the impartial adjustment of conflicting claims or the assignment of merited rewards or punishments b : judge c : the administration of law; especially : the establishment or determination of rights according to the rules of law or equity
2 a : the quality of being just, impartial, or fair b (1) : the principle or ideal of just dealing or right action (2) : conformity to this principle or ideal : c : the quality of conforming to law
3 : conformity to truth, fact, or reason

I mean: Karma works. I don't need to get all in a huff over someone who acts like a putz, because what goes around comes around. It isn't my place to say what's right and what's wrong for anyone else but me. I tolerate (and sometimes have to forgive) persons who engage in acts I wouldn't personally engage in because I know that when the time comes, whatever judgment day looks like, the big bad Universe will take care of its own without any vengefulness or energy on my part.

When I say: Listen

Pronunciation: 'li-s&n
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): lis·tened; lis·ten·ing/'lis-ni[ng], 'li-s&n-i[ng]/
transitive senses archaic : to give ear to : hear
intransitive senses
1 : to pay attention to sound
2 : to hear something with thoughtful attention : give consideration
3 : to be alert to catch an expected sound

I mean: I hear my kids making noise, I hear music on the radio, I hear car accidents happening. But am I really listening? Taking the time to process what's being said to me instead of formulating my own response or letting my mind drift to whether or not I remembered to change the kitty little box? Hearing is passive, listening is active. Listening is a lost art.

When I say: Morality

Pronunciation: 'mor-&l, 'mär-; 3 is m&-'ral
Function: noun
1 a : the moral significance or practical lesson (as of a story) b : a passage pointing out usually in conclusion the lesson to be drawn from a story
2 plural a : moral practices or teachings : modes of conduct b : ethics

I mean: The moral of the story is… I take my lessons from wherever I find them – Aesop's fables, Mom and Dad, the bible, Sesame Street - the bottom line is always the same, and because it's so eloquently put when in its simplest form, I'll borrow a single, concise Commandment to sum this one up: Do unto others as you would have done unto you. People with strong moral conviction would never intentionally be emotionally, physically, spiritually, or mentally injurious to themselves or others. Period. That's leading a moral life.

When I say: Openness

Pronunciation: 'O-p&n, -p&m
Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): open·er/'Op-n&r, 'O-p&-/; open·est /'Op-n&st, 'O-p&-/
Date: before 12th century
1 : having no enclosing or confining barrier : accessible on all or nearly all sides
3 a : completely free from concealment : exposed to general view or knowledge b : exposed or vulnerable to attack or question :
4 a : not covered with a top, roof, or lid b : having no protective covering
10 a : characterized by ready accessibility and usually generous attitude: as (1) : generous in giving (2) : willing to hear and consider or to accept and deal with : responsive (3) : free from reserve or pretense : frank b : accessible to the influx of new factors (as foreign goods)
- open adverb
- open·ly /'O-p&n-lE/ adverb
- open·ness /-p&(n)-n&s/ noun

I mean: narrow-mindedness is a horrible sickness. Bigotry, prejudice, shallowness, pretension, superficiality – there is never any excuse for being judgmental. I can disagree with my best friend and still wholeheartedly have respect and tolerance for her without wavering in my own convictions. In fact, sometimes I find it incredibly valuable when someone does present an opposing point of view, as it often allows me to seek greater clarity in my own ideology. Communicating and debating doesn't mean I have to change my point of view and more importantly shouldn't feel like an exercise to change someone else's, because condemning someone simply because they do not agree with me makes me no better them.

When I say: Perception

Pronunciation: p&r-'sep-sh&n
Function: noun
1 a : a result of perceiving: observing b : a mental image :concept 2 obsolete : consciousness
3 a : awareness of the elements of environment through physical sensation b : physical sensation interpreted in the light of experience
4 a : quick, acute, and intuitive cognition : appreciation b : a capacity for comprehension; discernment
- per·cep·tion·al/-shn&l, -sh&-n&l/ adjective

I mean: Often all it takes to make a situation change is a different perspective. Semantics. Part of the human condition is to name and identify everything, and it isn't anything until I call it something. Facts are facts. A broken doorstep is a broken doorstep. The only thing that changes is my perception of the facts, and this will be borne of my own personal experiences, upbringing, and influences. For one man it's a pain in the ass to fix, for another it's a challenge. This doesn't make one person's perception wrong or right, real or unreal – it simply means that their perception is different than mine. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but what if I hate the way roses smell?

When I say: Respect

Main Entry: respect
Function: transitive verb
1 a : to consider worthy of high regard :esteem b : to refrain from interfering with
2 : to have reference to : concern

I mean: I was once asked, would I rather be liked or respected? Liking someone is a fickle predicament, depending on my mood and my state of mind. I fall in and out of like all the time. Respect isn't fickle – you either demand it or you don't. I know lots of people I don't like but totally respect, but I don't know anybody I don't respect that I really like.

When I say: Serendipity

Pronunciation: -'di-p&-tE
Function: noun
Etymology: from its possession by the heroes of the Persian fairy tale The Three Princes of Serendip
: the faculty or phenomenon of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for

I mean: serendipity is the utter lack of expectation and utter trust in the Powers that be to provide that makes it possible to be not only sufficiently supplied but pleasantly surprised at every turn. It's like when I am desperate for money to fix the air conditioner, it's no where to be found, but I find $2 on the side of the road just as the ice cream truck drives by. The ironic coincidences that pepper my life with poetic justice may or may not be fatalistic, but serendipity is a beautiful thing.

When I say: Trust

intransitive senses
1 a : to place confidence : depend b : to be confident : hope
2 : to sell or deliver on credit
transitive senses
1 a : to commit or place in one's care or keeping : entrust b : to permit to stay or go or to do something without fear or misgiving
2 a : to rely on the truthfulness or accuracy of : believe b : to place confidence in : rely on c : to hope or expect confidently
3 : to extend credit to
- trust·abil·i·ty/"tr&s-t&-'bi-l&-tE/ noun
- trust·able/'tr&s-t&-b&l/ adjective
- trust·er noun
- trust·ing·ly /'tr&s-ti[ng]-lE/ adverb
- trust·ing·ness noun

I mean: trust is something that once given should never be broken, because it's seldom possible to regain. Betrayal of trust is the worst violation any one person can commit to another, be it in the form of word or action, and the greatest trust I can ever put in anyone's hands, including my own, is a second chance. See forgiveness above.

When I say: Unconditional

Pronunciation: "&n-k&n-'dish-n&l, -'di-sh&-n&l
Function: adjective
1 : not conditional or limited : absolute, unqualified
- un·con·di·tion·al·ly adverb

I mean: Putting qualifiers on things is fine when I'm buying vegetables or shopping for a car, but things like love and forgiveness and friendship negates the very words themselves. "I love you but only if you have sex 86 times a day" or "I like you but only if you agree with my opinion all the time" or "I forgive you but only if you agree to apologize to me again every single day for the rest of your life" aren't real. How about an unconditional guarantee from the toaster manufacturer that you take back six months later because it doesn't work and they say it was only so long as you never exercised your right to that unconditional guarantee?

When I say: Vulnerability

Main Entry: vul·ner·a·ble
Pronunciation: 'v&l-n(&-)r&-b&l, 'v&l-n&r-b&l
Function: adjective
1 : capable of being wounded
2 : open to attack or damage : assailable
3 : liable to increased penalties but entitled to increased bonuses after winning a game in contract bridge
- vul·ner·a·bil·i·ty /"v&l-n(&-)r&-'bi-l&-tE/ noun
- vul·ner·a·ble·ness/'v&l-n(&-)r&-b&l-n&s, 'v&l-n&r-b&l-/ noun
- vul·ner·a·bly/-blE/ adverb

I mean: Vulnerability makes me think of risk, and risk makes me think of fleas. If you put jumping fleas in a tank they will jump as high as they can trying to get out. If you put a shelf in it so they keep hitting their heads on it then take the shelf away, they never jump higher than the shelf was because they're scared of hitting their little flea heads. People are like that, too. Vulnerability is a necessary evil. If I never make myself vulnerable, if I build impassable walls and forever keep my guard up, no one ever has the ability to truly know my heart and my mind. Living in fear of having my thoughts or opinions attacked, being stuck in an emotional tundra wasteland makes me cold and hard and lonely. I like to think of getting hurt as growing pains – getting hurt sucks, but nothing ventured, nothing gained.

When I say: Wisdom

Pronunciation: 'wiz-d&m
Function: noun
1 a : accumulated philosophic or scientific learning : knowledge b : ability to discern inner qualities and relationships : insight c : good sense d : generally accepted belief
2 : a wise attitude or course of action
3 : the teachings of the ancient wise men

I mean: Knowledge is acquired; wisdom is earned. Wisdom comes with experience, and no two experiences will ever be the same. The world's greatest mentors are wise not because they were given extra brains when they were born, but because they chose to not be embittered by their experiences, and they pass on to us information that is tempered with understanding and grace. And age has nothing to do with either - my 7 year old son is at times more wise than my 80 year old grandmother.

When I say: Zen

Pronunciation: 'zen
Function: noun
: a state of consciousness wherein thoughts move without leaving any trace

I mean: Zen to me represents an absolute state of harmony and balance within ourselves, with nature, and with one another, where acting with integrity is a way of life, a subconscious way of being rather than a conscious effort. We are conduits. I believe we have total control of what we allow to live within us - both negative and positive energy flow through us, which is what in theory should make it possible to let go of fear as well as pass along love.