shifting focus



I went out on Monday night to weed my garden one last time for the year. I needed to so I could see what needed pruning, what should be transplanted, what needed thinning, and what to uproot and be done with. As I stood there enjoying the smell of earth and the crisp late-summer air, wincing at the presence of a few freshly yellowed leaves scattering across my lawn, it dawned on me that I had taken inventory of my life in much the same way this spring, figuring out what needed to stay, go, or be modified.

When I felt I was at risk of a bulimic relapse, a large part of my conversation with my counsellor revolved around what was causing me to stress-eat, and it was no secret that I really just had way too much on my plate: work, kids, husband, reno projects, and, of course, all things photography. I seriously felt like my whole life was careening out of control, that I had lost sight of what was important. "Well, what can you give up to make more time for yourself and your family?" she had asked.

WONDERWOMAN was the first person to respond. She said, "Nothing." So, for several more weeks I hung onto everything, for dear life, and took on more, as if to rebel and say, "See? I can handle it all, and THEN some!" - a neat and tidy parallel for what was going on with my physical body. Initially I was in complete denial about the 'obvious' thing to eliminate in order to streamline my life, the 'obvious' thing that would permit me the time and energy to focus on the things that needed the most attention: namely, myself and my family. Emotions ran amok, I debated myself on it fifty times over, I cried and struggled with the decision. I was so torn about how I could give up anything without feeling like I was 'losing' something. And, after reading Aimee Liu's GAINING: The Truth About Life After Eating Disorders, the obvious answer won out.

Effective September 1st, 2008 I am on sabbatical from the photography business indefinitely. (I had been saying I'm semi-retiring, but ~some~ people whose Christine names I won't mention thought it sounded too harsh...) Once I internalized the decision to step back from photography and focussed on paring things down and putting my life back into perspective, things literally fell into place - the renovations on the house were in progress again, I was accepted and am now registered in University, and I managed to find the time and motivation to shed the 35 extra pounds I was packing. And, most exciting of all, in order to help fill the gap (and because I adore her, respect her integrity as an artist, and wanted to keep the proverbial enemy closest) effective September 1st, 2008 the amazingly sweet, energetic, and talented Heather Duperron of PixelPie: the Substance of Life will be commencing as a full apprentice.

Now, this doesn't mean I'm going cold turkey and never taking a picture again (cha - right - like I could do that ~smirk~) but what it does mean is I will only be setting aside one day a month for taking clients, whether that's a wedding, a day of family portraits, or keeping the folks who are locked in for Belly to Birthday packages on schedule. If you are looking to book my services, I encourage you continue to contact me; if, however, I am not available I will endeavor to match you up with one of the apprentices or associated workshop photographers whose personality and style work best with your needs. I will also continue running occasional classes and doing monthly discussion groups.

I still struggle with this decision. I imagine as I haunt the blogs of those who are continuing on with their photography careers without me, I will feel sadness and perhaps even envy. I pout and go through fits of trying to talk myself out of it (I always lose the argument) and  WONDERWOMAN has put up a good fight, too - but she's currently gagged and bound in some musty corner of my brain's basement. The bottom line is, even though I ~could~ continue at this hectic pace, it would be at the expense of a) providing decent service to my clients, and/or b) my health, sanity, and family. So I've streamlined things in order to compromise neither of those things, and despite the scary-looking gaps on my calendar that make it completely evident I have indeed started to shut things down, I am 100% positive of 3 things:

#1) I will miss my clients like oxygen;
#2) I am excited to see whatever change and progress lays ahead;
#3) I am making the right decision for me and my family.

To all my wonderful clients who *might* miss me, too - I like coming to BBQs and birthday parties (and I'd probably bring my camera, as long as you're OK with crappy snapshots and no props or backdrops lol.) To all my wonderful friends who have been so sorely neglected - I'm available for dinner and a movie again, please. To my wonderful husband, Oh, how I've missed us. And to our four beautiful children - Mama's back.

Comments

Well Hope we will miss you, and wish you good luck and lots of hugs and kisses in your schooling.
As I read your post, I can't help but feel a mixture of emotions. I'm extremely happy for you and your choices, but of course I will miss seeing your multitude of posts filled with beautiful photography that always inspire me. I'm sure you'll continue to blog as it's NOT SEMI-RETIREMENT. I respect your decision and I know the future holds amazing things for you wonderwoman. Looking foward to the next chapter....
Christine

P.S. Congrats Heather! I can't wait to see more of your work too!
ticblog said…
Oh, I still have LOTS of people to catch up on, and lots to finish up with... it won't look like I'm taking any time off for at least another 2 months when I have the two weddings, 15 family and maternity sessions, and my goofy personal photos blogged... the blog'll be busier than ever lol

Believe me, I have enough mixed emotions myself. I keep bursting into tears. Evan and Ada's Mom started it. lol
fmartell2 said…
A strong woman (wonderwoman)just keeps on going, a stronger woman decides to do what is best for herself and her family.
kate said…
Good for you, Hope.
Kj said…
What a beautiful post. Your heart and mind sound like they're shaing the same dwellings and that has got to be a good thing.

Congratulations on making the BIG decision. I hope all works out well for you and your family. Now give your family a huge group hug :-)

K
Sorry Hope, But you have really become a big part in our lives. But we will have to have lots of BBQ's so we can see you.
PixelPie said…
okay, now I'm all teary-eyed. Not sure if it's coz I'm so darn happy that you've made such a pivotal decision and you'll be reaping many more rewards of a different sort, or if it's all the golly-gee-gosh-darn flattery you dished out, or the huge amount of pressure I have to get a silly web page up and blog update. Either way, I'm running out of kleenex.

There's no darn way that I'm wearing your shoes, but I AM going to try my darndest to use some of your knowledge and critiques to hopefully continue to keep some clients memories and lives in photo. Thank for the opportunity.

Now, if I can only figure out what aperture is....

Kidding.
Tanya said…
Congratulations on finding the courage and strength to focus on what is important in life. I will sorely miss you as a photographer but am happy to see you moving on to a better place.
Becks said…
Hope,
What a beauitful post. The pictures go along with it, fantastically.
I feel so lucky that you have shared your secrets with us. Everytime I go through all of our blogs, I think of you and how much you've given and shared with us.
*IF* hopefully, when you come back you'll probably be so refreshed and ready to take on anything.
:)
Amy said…
I understand the commitment and time taken away from my family this early in the game.
It blows my mind that you have done it all...& I understand why you are stepping back.

P.S That doesn't mean I wont stop stalking your blog...

All the best
Amy :)
Wren and Canaan's Mama said…
I am so happy for you...and your kids....and your husband.
Wishing you the best of luck and loads of family time. We still have to get together so you can "squish" my latest creation! Let us know when you're free...

COPYRIGHT NOTICE

Unless otherwise noted, writing and watermarked images on this blog are copyrighted to Hope Walls.