I don't do beef

I got this question today from a Miss T:

some neighbors have invited us for dinner, we haven't been there before or socialized much with them before.

i only eat chicken/turkey, my family will eat other meats.

what is proper etiquette for my "chicken only" situation? do i mention it? or do i just eat the side dishes only if they serve beef or pork or something? i don't plan to mention it as i'm used to eating the things i choose and i don't mind not having meat for dinner, however then it can be all awkward if they notice why i'm not eating the beef? LOL

i've never really had to worry about this before, as we don't get invited anywhere except by people we know well.

what to do?

Well, Miss T, I feel the same way about bacon.  Nothing is more disgusting to me than waking up at someone's house with a pungent noseful of greasy frying pork.  A baking ham isn't much better *urp*  

Anyhow.  I happen to collect etiquette books.  I have consulted them and here's the verdict:

Caroline Tiger apparently didn't think it was noteworthy enough to mention food preferences in her 2003 book, "How to Behave: a Guide to Modern Manners for the Socially Challenged," which is, quite frankly, about the worst, more incomplete etiquette book I have ever read.  But I digress...

In Chapter One of Etiquette Etc. published in 1967, Sheila Ostrander assures us it isn't impolite to politely decline a dish you won' t eat.  However, she notes in Chapter 2 that the alert hostess will make inquiries and keep on file guests' preferences in the pre-planning stage of the gathering.

The 1934 edition of "The New Book of Etiquette" by Lillian Eicher, while concurring with the idea of the well-organized host or hostess taking note of the guests' preferences clearly sates on page 219 that it is at the discretion of the dinner party providers to set the menu.  This might be somewhat misleading, as the suggested menu suggests one chicken or fish dish and one pork or beef dish, including tongue - yum!  She contradicts herself yet again on page 212 where she suggests that it is only proper to refuse a dish at a large dinner party where it will probably go unnoticed.  She suggests it is better to accept a serving even if you have no intention of eating it.

I consulted Amy Vanderbilt's  Complete Book of Ettiquette to try and settle it by majority rules.  There is an entire section on page 284 of the 'Home Entertaining' chapter dedicated to the topic of 'token portions.'  It says quite explicitly that as a courtesy for the hostess, you must accept a small portion of everything offered to you, even if it is only with the pretense of actually eating it.  Her menu suggestions include fish as an appetizer but rarely as an entree, naming 'meat' somewhat ambiguously as the preferred entree.

Rubbish.  All of it.  The 1967 etiquette etc. was at least moving in the right direction by realizing that it's wasteful and foolish to put something you won't eat on your plate in the first place.  What a waste of time and energy putting on such pretenses.  I'm from the school of common sensiquette etc.  Here's my two bits:

I would personally think it rude and tactless if someone told me what they will or won't eat without being asked, unless they have allergies.  Vegans are particularly good at being dramatic about their need for a special menu.  I, however, as a hostess, normally suggest what we're thinking of having and ask if here are any allergies or preferences or vegetarian issues to consider.  On occasion I have been known to ask for suggestions as well.  If there is no opportunity to ask, I tend to prepare chicken, as it is more universally accepted than beef, pork, or fish, and try to ensure some sort of substantial vegan dish is served as well - pasta tossed with pesto or beans with rice - perhaps not the most nutritious meal, but at least they aren't left spooning up on nothing but peas...

If I am asked, I tend to give an honest answer, as I expect the same from my guests.  If you hate lasagna or won't eat poached salmon, then I'd hate to go through the effort of preparing it and having a guest a) go hungry, b) waste a portion by taking it but not eating it and go hungry anyways, or c) gag down whatever was on the menu simply because there was nothing else to eat.  I would never go to someone's house and take a serving of beef or pork dish that I didn't intend to eat.  If it was served to me, I would leave it on the side of the plate and explain later, if asked, that I don't care for beef.  Or I may quip, "I don't dig on swine," later on in the evening, depending on my familiarity with the hostess as an explanation for my untouched porcine portion.  If I don't finish something that was served to me because it wasn't tasty to me, I try and mask the uneaten portion so as not to offend the hostess.  If I am unfamiliar with a dish, I tend to take a very small portion to sample it, and if I like it, wait until everyone else has served themselves and take a second small helping when and if the opportunity for seconds arises.  If the host/hostess apologize, I ensure them that everything else was extra delicious and that I am indeed full, even if I'm not.

In your shoes, I would do one of two things.  1) Fish for details by asking what you can bring - a red or a white wine to go with the fish/chicken/beef.  Often this prompts the person to say, "Oh, we're having pheasant - I hope you like pheasant?"  At which point you can say, "I've never tried pheasant - is it gamey like duck?"  A smart hostess will pick up that you aren't into pheasant.  2) Wait it out - you don't even know what she is serving yet - and when you serve up for dinner, politely and apologetically, without being condescending, decline the offending 'meat.'  If it is served on your plate instead of taking a bite and turning your nose up at it, leave it untouched on your plate.  When and if they ask why you aren't eating it, just say you don't usually eat beef.  Tell them it doesn't agree with your tummy - people are always understanding of that.

However.  If they keep looking at you and eyeballing your untouched meat, wait until no one is looking, stick it on the kids' plates, pass it over to your husband, accidentally drop it on your lap and have it drop to the floor as you stand in horror at your clumsiness, slip it under the table to Mr. Muffles the Shih Tzu or excuse yourself to the bathroom and feign diarrhea.  Surely you won't be expected to eat anything else after that, no questions asked.  It is not impolite to refuse Pepto Bismol and antacids.  Just remember that if you're too sick to finish supper, dessert is off limits, too...

Comments

Jillian Kirby said…
Hi Hope!!
I was wondering... how do you feel about chopped limbs/hands/feet in portraits? Do you think it ruins the image? Or is it something that doesn't bother you too much?

I only ask because on one of the forums I'm on, it's like committing a deadly sin. But when I browse through many very professional photographers that I LOVE, they all seem to chop. What do you think?
Thanks!
Jill

COPYRIGHT NOTICE

Unless otherwise noted, writing and watermarked images on this blog are copyrighted to Hope Walls.