WHY oh WHY?

This week's DLS task was to write something like a bullet list of reasons why we take pictures, then create 5 new pictures, add to 5 old pictures, and create a personal portfolio of images that accurately reflect WHY we take pictures. Knowing it wouldn't be easy, I figured I'd get an early start on it. I told the DLS participants they had the option of posting, or not posting, whatever their reasons are. I'm being brave and posting mine. I'll post part two of the exercise later - it's going to take me a while to figure it out.

- It's cathartic - putting life into a viewfinder makes me that much more aware of all the little things around me. Having to stop and compose my point of view slows me down enough to enjoy things present in my world - people and things alike - instead of being so focussed on the next thing that I completely miss out on the moment. It's also a physical representation of my whole philosophy that perspective is everything, and how a little creative reframing is often all you need to alter your entire outlook on life.

- Relationships. There is an abundance of joy for me, a bit of an awkward duck and social retard, in having a conduit for developing a social network. Sharing my work as a photographer, whether that's by taking, teaching, or sharing pictures allows me to meet and interact with people I would otherwise be too shy or insecure to talk to. Of course, the down side of basing relationships on the camera's presence is that when the camera is absent I am back to feeling like I'd rather disappear into the floral pattern of whatever curtain happens to be nearby...

- Sharing joy. I know I'm not a brilliant technical photographer, but that's because I am too intensely involved in whatever is transpiring between the subject and I to remember to always change my DOF or meter for the dark spot... I've been told this intensity shows in the pictures I produce. Speaking from my own perspective, I will only ever know the joy my pictures bring me personally, and have to take other people's words and reactions as affirmation that I'm producing ~something~ enjoyable. I won't ever be able to suspend reality or make perfect pictures like a lot of other fantastic photographers do - I've tried - and although I still sometimes struggle with envying the people who take those magazine-quality still-life images of perfectly posed newborns or perfectly placed props, it's something I stopped beating myself up over a while ago. It isn't my style, and it brings me no joy, so why mimic when the pictures I take create joy for both me and the people I share them with? I may never win an award for taking a perfect picture, but hearing a parent say, "You made my ovaries sing," trumps professional accolades anytime. Hands. Down.

- It makes me feel needed and valuable, and gives me a sense of belonging. There is something ridiculously satisfying about being able to share this compulsion of mine with other people, whether it's shooting a client, shooting with fellow shutterbugs, or teaching people about shooting. People wanting my services, willing to even PAY for my services, is a HUGE compliment. For someone who was never fast, smart, cool, skinny, pretty, dumb, hip, fly, tall, short, or funny enough, it's gratifying hearing people say, "I like what you do..." My brain is saying, "Are you people on crack?" while my spirit is both humbled, and bursting with gratitude. There's no drive on my part to get famous. I have ~ *I,* Hope, theeeee dorkiest dork on the planet ~ have a peer group and a clientele - how cool is that?

- The money. Though it wasn't the reason I picked up a camera in the first place, I'd be a liar if I didn't say the extra income doesn't help - we have four children and haven't won the lottery yet, so yup, every penny counts. Although if no one paid me to take pictures of them, I imagine my children would live in fear and loathing of me that much more... "Mama! Do you HAVE to take SO MANY pictures? Sheesh..." ~insert eye rolling and 'talk to the hand' gestures here~ (Well, OK - Serejane still asks me to 'picture her' but that'll come to an end...) I think Brandi calls this 'PCS' - photographer's child syndrome. (Tell me honestly, aren't the pictures you take of your own kids always THE BEST pictures on the planet? Even the 'talk to the hand' ones are spectacular!)

I don't have any desire to pursue photography full-time right now. I figure it consumes enough of my life as it is. My husband and children and friends and family would agree... lol. I also haven't pursued any kind of professional recognition, though to be perfectly honest it's partly because they cost more than I can justify at the volume I am working, and partly because the rejection could kill me - I like what I do, and to have someone tell me that doing this thing I love the way I love isn't 'good enough' gives me hives, to borrow a saying from Christine. I know, I know - who's to say I'd be rejected. But that fear is pretty powerful. Even when shooting a new client I often have anxiety over what they are expecting, and if what they receive in their album will be acceptable since I'm NOT very good at that technical perfection so sought after... I can wind myself up like a top predicting how awful it will be when they tell me they hate it... To date no one has ever said that (in twelve years I've had to do retakes only twice, knock wood) but there's a first time for everything, right? I remind myself to breathe, then thank my lucky stars there is a) no right or wrong in creative photography and b) no accounting for personal taste or I'd not have a single person who liked my pictures... ~smirk~

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